For many survivors of sexual abuse, forgiveness can be a difficult part of the healing journey, I know it was for me. I was indoctrinated in a fundamentalist, evangelical Christian church from the time I was a baby. The concept of forgiveness is at the very heart of Christianity, so it is not a surprise that church leaders insisted that I forgive the youth leader who sexually assaulted me three times over the course of a single weekend when I was 13-years old. There were two problems with insisting that I forgive: I didn’t want to, and, even if I had wanted to, I didn’t know how.

For many years I was unwilling to forgive because I believed that forgiving the acts of sexual violence was equivalent to condoning them; it felt like I would be letting the man who had harmed me off the hook. I’d wanted to punish him, or enact revenge of some kind. I’d wanted him to feel the same pain I felt. I’d wanted to ruin his life as he had ruined mine. However, nursing that pain and desiring revenge or comeuppance kept me trapped in a cycle of victimhood. I could not move on so long as I was focused on my pain.

It had never been important that I didn’t know how to forgive, what was important was my willingness to forgive. When I finally did choose to forgive, I believed that it would be a one-time-and-done event, and I had expected that there would somehow be a sense of relief, there wasn’t, at least not immediately. Forgiving the perpetrator would be an on-going activity, it was something I would have to do thousands of times. I was disappointed that it took time to feel any change whatsoever, but each time I would think of the man who had abused me I would forgive him. It did not change what had happened to me, and it did not absolve him of his sins and crimes against me. Forgiving him simply allowed me to soften my grip on the pain I held onto; it allowed me to move on, though it took years for the pain and hatred, and my desire for revenge to soften and melt away. Forgiveness, I would come to appreciate years later, had nothing to do with condoning the sexual abuse, it was about releasing me from the pain and trauma.

Refusing to forgive is a choice. There is never an obligation to forgive, and for some survivors of sexual abuse this is a position from which they will never move. Refusing to forgive is a choice; it is a choice to hold onto your pain and keep it alive within yourself. Forgiveness is also a choice, it is a decision you make to take responsibility for how and what you feel, and to free yourself from the past, and from the person and/or event that caused the pain and trauma you carry. There is no right or wrong, and each survivor will decide which choice is best for them.

I chose to forgive, eventually; it is a decision I have never regretted, and has led to the freedom I now experience, and the appreciation I have for the sexual abuse which could have, and very nearly did, destroy me.