I have been very critical of the Christian church for decades, especially at Easter. My contrary and defensive attitude was a response to the sexual and spiritual abuse I suffered as a child, and then the rejection I suffered later in life when I finally had the courage to admit that I was gay. Yet, at the same time, I have recognized deep within the beautiful promise at the very heart of Christianity, and my desire to have that truth fulfilled.

This Easter, I observed that my stance towards the church has let up, my defensiveness has evaporated and my desire to tear at the fabric of the Christian faith is gone. I’ve come to realize that neither Christianity nor God are the problem, which was the conclusion I had previously drawn, but rather it is the failings of “godly” men who have damaged my faith and distorted my views of God. I observed the ways in which these men vilified me, how they turned me, the victim, into the problem. I never wanted to be like those men – self-righteous, sanctimonious, and cruel – if they represented what it meant to be a Christian I wanted nothing to do with it.

I’ve felt this way for nearly four decades, but over the course of the last year I have softened. I’ve come to realize that men fail, they are weak and fearful, and generally act out of self-interest; they’ve created God in their own image, and so that’s all they can reflect. In contrast is the person of Jesus Christ, the living embodiment of what a Christian is intended to be. To live a Christ-centered life is to demonstrate the qualities of Jesus:  love; compassion; humility; forgiveness; courage; and hope, these are the very qualities central to his teachings and the Christian faith. However, quite apart from Christianity, this is an undeniably respectful way to live in the world.

Hypocrisy is saying you are something and yet living in a way which is contrary. For me, too often, this is the way of Christianity. Instead of demonstrating love, compassion, humility, forgiveness, courage and hope, as Jesus did, Christians are hateful, indifferent, proud, condemning, fearful and cynical. This is the Christianity I have witnessed over the course of the past four decades, though it is true that what you are focused on you will always encounter proof of, so maybe that is simply what I expected to experience, and so I did.

I held onto hate, resentment and a desire for retribution for too long, justified or perhaps simply explicable, because of my personal experiences. But with healing and forgiveness have come a lack of harshness and desire for peace which never existed before. As I am aging, and maturing, the legacy I want to leave is becoming more clearly defined. I desire to live more and more as Jesus did, not borne out of the idea that I want to be Christian, per se, but rather because the qualities he lived out are ones that I cherish for myself and want others to experience in relationship with me.