Many people believe that if their life changes they will be happier, more content. The truth is that what must change is what you think and the way you perceive life. Your life cannot change if your thoughts do not change. Thinking the same way about life will always result in the same outcome. If you want a different outcome the only thing that needs to change is your perspective, not the circumstances that are your current reality. Remaining a victim to your circumstances is always a choice, as is choosing to take responsibility for what you think.

In 2019, after being packaged out from a lucrative executive level position, I was hurt, felt a sense of loss over my income and a large part of my self-image, and quite frankly was burned-out after a decade of loyal service. I decided that what I needed was some time away to heal my mind and bruised ego. I booked myself into a 10-day silent meditation retreat in South Africa. I expected the experience to be blissful and allow me a gentle way to recuperate. How very wrong I was!

The retreat schedule was grueling, starting at 4:00am and finishing at 9:30pm, with 11 hours of meditation daily separated by meal breaks and a few rest periods. The first three days we were not taught the mediation technique, these days were set aside for calming the mind and the racing thoughts we are all accustomed to but often ignore. The only instruction was to focus my attention on the end of my nose and to feel my breath as I inhaled and exhaled. This was a simple and straightforward instruction, but I was shocked at how difficult it turned out to be. To focus my attention on something so insignificant and mundane was challenging because in no time, literally seconds, my focus was elsewhere. When I became aware of the shift I would return my focus back to my nose and breath. Without exaggeration, I had to do this 1000’s of times a day. It took the full three days before my mind had slowed enough that I was able to focus for longer and longer periods.

I came away from that meditation retreat with some very valuable insights about myself and about life, but what has always remained with me is that it takes conscious effort and awareness to focus and train the mind. Distractions – like drugs, alcohol, television, work, and sex – keep you from introspection and self-discovery, and ultimately from personal growth, because distractions keep your mind busy, entertained and numb, and impair your ability to process trauma. Your dedication to consciously monitoring and changing your thoughts, when necessary and appropriate, is the only thing that will allow you to take control. A distracted mind will never allow you to change your life, but when you understand that you can control your thoughts, you understand that you control your life: you’re in the driver’s seat.

As a survivor of sexual and spiritual abuse, learning to control and change my thoughts, and perspective about the abuse was a difficult and lengthy process. Sexual abuse left me feeling that my only worth in the world was related to my sexuality. Spiritual abuse left me feeling cut-off and unloved by God, as well as unworthy of help or care. I was left in a spiritual wilderness and had to find my own path to spirituality and healing. That path was not a straight one, and took decades for me to walk alone. It was not until I could accept and be grateful for the experiences of abuse and the men who had harmed me, sexually and spiritually, that was I truly free.

I needed to fall in love with the man I’d become as a result of the sexual abuse. I needed to accept that restoration to my former self was not possible; I’d been permanently changed by the abuse itself, and then subsequently, and more profoundly, by the men who had sought to hide and minimize my lived experience. Radical acceptance of those changes in my life allowed me to change my thoughts about the outcomes in my life: I was stronger, more resilient, outspoken and willing to challenge authority. When I could appreciate that those qualities were the result of the abuse I was able to love myself, and change my thoughts and perspective regarding the abuse, in spite of the years I had been solely focused on what I’d perceived as harm. This was freedom and the final step in my personal healing journey.

The only thing you can control, in reality, are your thoughts, and your thoughts control the outcome of your life. If you want a better life you need better thoughts. Change the way you think and you will completely change your life.