Today is Easter, one of the holiest days in Christendom. It is the day Christians celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ and the fulfillment of God’s promise in John 3:16, which begins beautifully, “for God so loved the world.” For me, the wondrous promise at the heart of Christianity is the assurance that “love… binds everything together in perfect harmony” (Colossians 3:14 ESV). If only the Christian church had lived up to this promise in my life.

As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I was shocked and disillusioned by the spiritual abuse I encountered from church leaders following the disclosure that I had been sexually abused by a lay leader within the church. My story was viewed by church leaders as threatening and dangerous, something to be eliminated and swept out of sight. Church leaders espoused that they had a responsibility to protect the church’s reputation from the potentially damaging effects that a sexual abuse scandal could have on the church, and they needed to protect God’s reputation. What has always confounded me is that neither the church nor God had anything to do with my abuse, they were innocent and did not require protection; I, on the other hand, did. In truth, those church leaders weren’t worried about God’s reputation or that of the church… they were worried about their own reputations, about how my disclosure of sexual abuse would affect them personally, after all the man who sexually abused me was now one of them, an elder and youth leader in the church my family attended.

Loving me, as Christ would have, in the midst of my trauma, fear, disillusionment and pain would have strengthened my faith, and altered the outcomes in my life. However, loving me was never a priority, neither was protecting me (or other vulnerable youth within the congregation), nor the eventual loss of my faith. I was viewed as the problem, and informed by church leaders that, as a result of the sexual abuse, I was filled with demons. The perpetrator, on the other hand, who had confessed to the crime, was able to move on freely in the promise that “if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9 ESV). The perpetrator had been cleansed and restored; I would never know or experience restoration or reconciliation.

To be clear, Christianity and the love Jesus came to teach are not the problem; the problem is the hypocrisy and faithlessness I witnessed in those who professed to be Christians, especially those who had accepted the “noble task” of an overseer in the church (1 Timothy 3:1-7 ESV). Not only did the church leaders who harmed and abused me not reflect the qualifications of an overseer, they failed spectacularly to trust the teachings of Jesus Christ, and lead with faith. The example they provided as leaders was fear-based, and they relied on worldly wisdom instead of trusting that “for those who love God all things work together for good” (Romans 8:28). Fear and love cannot coexist, because “there is no fear in love… and whoever fears has not been perfected in love” (1 John 4:18).

In order to “love one another… as I have loved you” (John 13:34 ESV) or to “love your neighbor as yourself” (Mark 12:31 ESV) you must first have learned to love yourself. It is impossible to love another if you have not learned to love yourself. To love yourself is to truly know God, for “anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love” (1 John 4:8 ESV). This can be particularly difficult for survivors of sexual and spiritual abuse within a Christian environment, it certainly was for me. Having had my faith shattered and the illusion of Christianity laid bare, I had to seek God elsewhere, especially within. Learning to love myself, all of myself – the parts I am proud of and show to the world, and the parts that I hide – has been the greatest and most satisfying personal work I have done in life; it was the key to my freedom. By loving myself, and the man I had become as a result of the sexual and spiritual abuse, I was filled with a wellspring of love for those who had harmed me the most.

Love is available to everyone. Love is not faith-based, and is not limited to Christians, in fact, the Christian church may be one of the greatest stumbling blocks to personal growth and healing, it certainly was in my life.