I am a survivor of both childhood sexual abuse and spiritual abuse. Though these are two distinct and different forms of abuse, for me the two are, and will forever be, intrinsically linked. These experiences were deeply painful and were an integral part of my identity for decades. What I desired more than anything was for my life to be restored and for reconciliation. I now appreciate that my desire for restoration and reconciliation hindered my healing. Those desires, though not at all inappropriate or unreasonable, could never be achieved. Sadly my desires kept me trapped in victimhood, unable to move forward.

What I did not appreciate or understand in the midst of that pain was that I had been forever changed by the abuses. Restoration was not possible; I could not return to my old life or the way I had perceived the world before the abuses occurred. Sexual and spiritual abuse had a polarizing effect on my life, obliterating almost everything that came before it and altering the way I would view the world after it. The lens through which I viewed myself, life, sexuality, and Christianity had fundamentally changed. I blamed myself for the abuse. The world was no longer a safe place for me. My latent sexuality had been laid bare. The illusion of sanctity in my beliefs had been shattered. There was no going back, no opportunity for restoration. I was no longer the same person.

With time and a great deal of professional therapy I began to heal, but underlying there was always anger and bitterness for what had been taken from me. I had never been restored, and reconciliation hadn’t been possible. Anger and disillusionment grew as the years passed with no change, no return to my former self, and no recognition of all that I had lost. The people who had abused me moved on with their lives, to me, they appeared to be unaffected and carried on as if nothing had ever happened; yet my world had been turned upside down.

I can proudly assert that I am healed and can now view these traumatic experiences from a different perspective and with a deep appreciation for the changes in my life. However, the journey from brokenness to wholeness took me decades. I now believe that the years I suffered were because I wanted, more than anything, to return to a time when I felt safe, when my innocence was intact. I was unwilling to accept that I had changed. I viewed the idea of change negatively because many of the outcomes of the abuses were negative. I was raw and unable to process the traumas, let alone view the changes I was experiencing as positive.

It took me years to learn to love myself, to accept the light within as well as the darkness. Love was the stimulus that changed everything, that allowed me to view the abuses as having had a positive impact and effect on my life. More profoundly, love was the key to my ultimate and complete healing because it led me to be grateful for the abuses and the abusers. The final step in my healing process was a well-spring of love that erupted spontaneously within me and allowed me to be grateful and filled with appreciation for the people who had fundamentally changed me, and for the abuse and trauma I had experienced decades earlier. Appreciation and love were the keys to my freedom and the final stage in my healing journey. Like a diamond, which is created under intense pressure over an extended period of time, I was a brilliant new creation, refined by abuse – strong, outspoken, reflective, and deeply spiritual – a reflection of love and light.